Dad jokes are great. And there's a place in this world for puns. But sometimes, a laugh at somebody else's expense really hits the spot. If you're having a really bad day, you might need two hours of vulgar insults to lift your spirits. Enter: roast lines.
Roasting jokes began over a century ago as a tradition started by the Friars Club, a group of press agents and their clients who would get together to eat, drink, and kid each other mercilessly. The group held their first official roast in 1949, and thereafter the roast became an annual tradition, where comics and friends would gather to tease a member of their club with jokes so blue that women weren't allowed in the club out of a misguided sense of decency.
Almost 20 years ago, Comedy Central first aired a Friars Club roast. The format proved so popular that eventually Comedy Central and the Friars Club parted ways, so that Comedy Central could air something a little less insider-y and the Friars Club could stick to their motto: "We only roast the ones we love." If you find yourself in need of a laugh, here are a few of the funniest roasts from the roasts of celebrities.
"… He has the wisdom of an owl, the grace of a swan, and the eye of an eagle. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds."— Norm Macdonald, Roast of Bob Saget.
Apparently, a producer told him to "be shocking," so he went out and told five minutes of ridiculous dad jokes.
"…while you sit there doing nothing. I feel like I'm co-hosting the Oscars with you."— Seth Rogen, Roast of James Franco.
Rogen said this roast line to his friend and frequent collaborator, James Franco.
"…It said, 'Users who bought this item also bought a shotgun.'"— Whitney Cummings, Roast of David Hasselhoff.
David Hasselhoff's reputation for being ridiculous (and inebriated) made him an easy target at his own roast.
"…I actually know Charlie. And I'm famous." — Jon Lovitz, Roast of Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen and the group there to send him up were equally roast-worthy, as Jon Lovitz proved with this joke.
"…is one of the top three quarterbacks in his family." — Jimmy Carr, Roast of Rob Lowe.
British comedian Jimmy Carr did a solid job of mocking everyone on the dais at Rob Lowe's roast, with some exceptionally good jokes directed in Peyton Manning's direction.
"…opening a jar." — Jeff Ross to Larry King, Roast of Donald Trump
Age is a frequent topic at roasts, so when Larry King is on the dais, you can expect plenty of jibes on the subject.
"…not fill it." — Betty White, Roast of William Shatner
Betty White's set at William Shatner's roast was classic roast material and reminded America what a treasure she is.
"…and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home." — Snoop, Roast of Donald Trump
In 2012, Donald Trump proffered himself for a roast, ending up the butt of an evening's worth of jokes.
"…for more homeless black children than Hurricane Katrina." – Jimmy Kimmel, Roast of Flavor Flav.
Flavor Flav is such a mess that he doesn't really require roasting. But that didn't stop Jimmy Kimmel from landing a few choice insults at his roast in 2007.
" …You're like the Jeff Ross of comedy." — Whitney Cummings, Roast of Joan Rivers.
The roast of Joan Rivers was an opportunity for comics to showcase their talents in front of a comedy legend, even those Whitney Cummings couldn't pick out in a lineup.
"…or standing at least 500 feet away from one." — Kevin Hart, Roast of Justin Bieber.
Roastmaster Kevin Hart didn't pull any punches at the roast of Justin Bieber.
"…who's scaring the crows away from our crops?" — Pete Davidson, Roast of Rob Lowe.
One of too many to count insults directed at Ann Coulter during Rob Lowe's roast, it's Davidson's delivery that really makes this one something special.
" …producing, photography, soundtracks, editing — is there anything you can do?" — Natasha Leggero, Roast of James Franco.
Natasha Leggero didn't hold anything back with this roast line directed at James Franco.
"…but at the last minute no one asked him."— Jane Lynch, Roast of Roseanne.
Even Roseanne's ex, Tom Arnold, got some heat in absentia at her roast.
"…Does that scare you, knowing you're going to die of colon cancer?" — Sarah Silverman to Jennifer Love Hewitt, Roast of Carson Daly.
MTV Bash: Carson Daly was supposed to be a roast of Carson Daly, but Sarah Silverman skipped Daly and all the other comedians participating and went straight for Jennifer Love Hewitt in the audience.
"…her mother was Casey Anthony." — Joan Rivers, Roast of Howard Stern.
Howard Stern hosted a roast of himself for his birthday, and Joan Rivers got things off to a vicious start when she spotted Tan Mom in the audience.
"…Kind of." — Greg Giraldo, Roast of Larry the Cable Guy.
The late Greg Giraldo was a master of roasting people, as evidenced by this quip.
"…which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. The first thing you'll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum." — Martha Stewart, Roast of Justin Bieber.
Martha Stewart was the surprise star at Justin Bieber's roast, cracking roast lines about prison and shunning the prim and proper image we all know and love her for.
"…is because God hates Michael J. Fox."— Anthony Jeselnik, Roast of Charlie Sheen.
Remember: anything goes at a roast.
"…the second worst tragedy to ever hit New York City." — Seth MacFarlane, Roast of Donald Trump.
Seth MacFarlane hosted the roast of Donald Trump, and now he can look back and remember the time he uttered one of the funniest roasts of all time to the future president.
"…you had gastric-bypass surgery in 1998, and then you beat it." — Anthony Jeselnik, Roast of Roseanne.
Anthony Jeselnik's joke about Roseanne's fluctuating weight was nothing short of brutal.
"…great tattoo! You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face."— Amy Schumer, Roast of Charlie Sheen.
If that isn't the perfect description of Mike Tyson's face tattoo, we don't know what is.
"…But as somebody who hates Ann Coulter, I'm delighted." — Jewel, Roast of Rob Lowe.
Once again, Ann Coulter provides better fodder for roasting than the show's intended subject, Rob Lowe.
"…As you all know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby."— Peyton Manning, Roast of Rob Lowe.
Just to really hammer home how bad Ann Coulter got it, here's Peyton Manning joining in on the fun.
"…You've been stitched up thousands of times and you are still sad to look at. You're like the AIDS Quilt." — Greg Giraldo, Roast of Joan Rivers.
This burn is a little more in line with classic Greg Giraldo-style roasting, and it is vicious.
"…Because this roast just got dark." — Andy Samberg, Roast of James Franco.
Rather than go the typical roast route, Andy Samberg took a play out of Norm Macdonald's book and did a pretty bad job of insulting anyone other than himself when it came to his infamous roast lines.
"…involving a plane." — Pete Davidson, Roast of Justin Bieber.
For a little context on why this joke is so good, Pete Davidson's father died in the attacks on 9/11.
"…You're like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape." — Greg Giraldo, Roast of Flava Flav.
This highly-specific insult proves why Greg Giraldo was considered one of the all-time masters of roasting.
"…because that was the only way we could get Jonah Hill onto the stage." — Sarah Silverman, Roast of James Franco.
Jonah Hill was roasted all night long at James Franco's roast for his frequently fluctuating weight.
"…what other rapists only think." — Carrie Fisher, Roast of Roseanne.
Carrie Fisher was known for her razor-sharp wit, and she showcased it to maximum effect at Roseanne's roast by skipping the jokes about age and weight and cutting straight to top-notch burns. It doesn't get much better than this roast line.
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